The Difficulties of Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
- Falsely Accused Network
- 4 days ago
- 3 min read
By Michael Thompson, Founder of the Falsely Accused Network
In my work with the Falsely Accused Network, I’ve heard countless stories from men who entered relationships with someone they loved deeply—only to find themselves overwhelmed, confused, and eventually accused of things they hadn’t done. In many of these cases, the other person was displaying clear signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), even if it hadn’t been diagnosed.
Let me be clear: not everyone with BPD is abusive, and many are fully capable of having meaningful relationships. But if BPD goes unrecognised or untreated, it can lead to chaos, emotional harm, and in some cases, false allegations—especially during a breakup or custody battle.
Here are some of the common challenges men face when dating someone with traits of BPD:
Emotional Highs and Lows
Relationships can feel electric at first. There’s often a whirlwind romance, intense connection, and rapid attachment. But this intensity can turn on a dime. One minute you’re their “everything”; the next, they’re accusing you of betrayal over something minor or imagined.
Fear of Abandonment
A person with BPD may live in constant fear of being left. This fear drives clingy behaviour, extreme jealousy, or emotional testing: “Do you really love me?” or “You’re going to leave like everyone else.” Even time apart for work or seeing friends can be interpreted as rejection.
Being Idolised… Then Demonised
In many cases, the person with BPD will idealise their partner early on—praising you, relying on you, seeing you as a saviour. But when they feel hurt or vulnerable (even slightly), they can suddenly flip and view you as the villain. This cycle of idealisation and devaluation is exhausting and destabilising.
Black-and-White Thinking
There’s often no middle ground. You’re either good or bad, loved or hated. This rigid thinking can make resolving conflict nearly impossible. Logical discussion gets replaced by emotional reasoning, accusations, and emotional shutdowns.
Manipulation and Control
Whether intentional or not, some people with BPD use manipulation as a way of managing their fear and pain. That might involve guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, silent treatment, or even threats of self-harm. For the partner, this can lead to walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering another crisis.
False Accusations
This is where my organisation comes in. I’ve spoken to many men who ended relationships with someone displaying these behaviours, only to be hit with police investigations, court orders, or allegations of domestic abuse—claims often entirely unsupported by evidence. When BPD collides with family court, the results can be devastating.
The Impact on Children
When a parent with BPD is involved in a separation, the risks of parental alienation rise dramatically. Children may become pawns in the emotional battle, pressured to reject the other parent, or told lies to gain loyalty. The emotional damage to the child can be long-lasting, and the alienated parent is left fighting not just for contact, but to clear their name.
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What Can You Do?
Set Boundaries: Don’t allow guilt or emotional pressure to override your basic needs and safety.
Don’t Ignore Red Flags: Early behaviours—extreme mood swings, irrational jealousy, or false narratives—shouldn’t be brushed off.
Seek Support: Therapy can help, for both partners. But if the person refuses help, that’s a serious warning sign.
Know Your Rights: If things escalate into legal threats or allegations, you need proper legal advice immediately.
Prioritise Your Mental Health: You are not responsible for fixing someone else's emotional wounds.
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Dating someone with BPD traits can feel like you're either rescuing them—or being dragged under by them. It’s important to approach these situations with empathy, but also self-protection. You deserve a relationship that is safe, respectful, and rooted in reality.
If you’ve found yourself falsely accused or emotionally broken by a partner like this, you’re not alone. At the Falsely Accused Network, we’re here to support you. Reach out, get informed, and start taking back control of your life.
Michael Thompson
Founder, Falsely Accused Network
Tel: 0204 538 8788
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