Getting Through Divorce and False Allegations: The Principles I Try to Live By

7 hours ago

7 min read

Going through a difficult divorce is hard enough. Going through a divorce while also facing allegations that you believe are false can take the experience to another level entirely.

Your reputation may feel under attack. People you considered friends may disappear. You may feel an overwhelming urge to defend yourself to everybody, respond to every accusation and fight every injustice.

I understand that feeling.

But one of the most important things I have learned is that you cannot control everything another person says or does. What you can control is how you respond.

These are some of the principles I try to follow myself and that I believe can help anyone going through an extremely difficult separation or allegations.

1. Listen before you respond

When somebody makes an allegation against you, the natural reaction is often to answer immediately.

Understand exactly what has been alleged first. Separate what you know from what you assume. Consider what actually requires an answer and, where appropriate, take professional advice before responding.

A calm response made after careful thought is usually far more effective than an angry response written in the heat of the moment.

2. Never communicate while furious

This is one of the simplest principles here, but potentially one of the most important.

Don't send the angry WhatsApp message.
Don't write the threatening email.
Don't post the furious Facebook status.
Don't send ten messages when one calm message would have been enough.

If you're facing allegations about your behaviour, an aggressive response can create an entirely new problem regardless of the truth or falsity of the original allegation.

If necessary, write the message and don't send it. Come back to it later.

3. Assume anything you write could eventually be read by somebody else

During a contentious separation, communicate as though your messages could one day be read by a solicitor, police officer, social worker, Cafcass officer or judge.

That doesn't mean being frightened to communicate. It means being sensible.

Keep messages factual. Be polite. Avoid insults and threats. Don't speculate about somebody else's motives. Don't say something in writing that you wouldn't be comfortable explaining later.

Your communications should demonstrate self-control, not undermine it.

4. Keep important things documented

Memory is imperfect, particularly when people are under enormous stress.

Keep important correspondence. Preserve relevant messages and documents. Maintain an accurate chronology where necessary.

Don't alter evidence or selectively edit material in a misleading way.

Good record-keeping isn't about obsessively documenting every second of your life. It is about ensuring that important events don't later depend entirely upon two people's conflicting recollections.

5. Tell the truth consistently

If you're defending yourself against something you say didn't happen, resist the temptation to strengthen your account through exaggeration.

Tell the truth.

If you don't remember something, say you don't remember.
If you made a mistake, don't turn that mistake into a lie because you're frightened it makes you look bad.
If something is an assumption rather than something you know, distinguish between the two.

A truthful account should not need to become more dramatic every time it is told.

Consistency builds credibility.

6. Defend yourself — but don't fight every battle

Defending yourself against a serious allegation is very different from answering every criticism made about you.

Some things require a response. Others don't.

You don't necessarily need to convince your ex-partner. You don't need to win an argument on social media. You don't need to telephone everybody who has heard something about you and explain your side.

Ask yourself:

What useful outcome will responding to this actually achieve?

Sometimes the strongest response is a carefully evidenced rebuttal. Sometimes it is silence.

Knowing the difference is important.

A warning about social media. If your case involves children, be especially careful about what you post. Publishing details of private family court proceedings about children can amount to contempt of court under section 12 of the Administration of Justice Act 1960, even if everything you say is true. Publishing anything likely to identify a child involved in the proceedings can also be a criminal offence under section 97 of the Children Act 1989. If in doubt, don't post it.

7. Don't confuse justice with revenge

Wanting the truth established is understandable.
Wanting to protect your relationship with your children is understandable.
Wanting allegations properly examined is understandable.

But there is an important difference between defending yourself and becoming consumed by the desire to punish somebody.

Ask yourself:

Am I doing this because it genuinely helps my position, or because I want the other person to hurt as much as I have?

Those are very different motivations.

You can defend yourself robustly without allowing revenge to become your purpose.

8. Don't feed unnecessary conflict

High-conflict separations can develop their own cycle.

A hostile message arrives. You become angry. You send an angry response. Another message comes back. You respond again.

Soon the original disagreement has produced another twenty screenshots and an entirely new argument.

Someone has to stop feeding the fire.

Self-control isn't weakness. Sometimes refusing to participate in an unnecessary argument is one of the strongest decisions you can make.

9. Be cautious — but don't become paranoid

If somebody has given you a genuine reason not to trust them, act accordingly.

Set appropriate boundaries. Protect important information. Follow court orders precisely. Take professional advice where necessary.

But there is a danger at the other extreme.

After experiencing betrayal or allegations, it can become easy to see enemies everywhere.

Not everybody is plotting against you. Not every unanswered message has a hidden meaning. Not every professional involved in your case is automatically against you.

There is a difference between sensible caution and allowing suspicion to dominate your life.

10. Choose your advisers carefully

When you're going through a crisis, everybody seems to have an opinion.

Friends tell you what the judge will supposedly do. Someone in the pub tells you what happened during his divorce. A person on Facebook tells you what you "definitely" need to file with the court tomorrow morning.

Be careful.

Have plenty of people in your life, but keep the number of people whose advice genuinely influences major decisions relatively small.

For legal decisions, obtain appropriate professional advice.

A good friend can provide invaluable emotional support without necessarily being the right person to give you legal advice.

11. Difficult times reveal genuine friendships

One painful consequence of allegations can be discovering that some people you considered friends disappear. Others may immediately take sides.

But difficult periods can also reveal something incredibly valuable: the people who remain.

Pay attention to the friends who check on you, listen without constantly inflaming the situation, tell you when they think you're making a mistake and still treat you as a human being rather than as a court case.

Those relationships are worth protecting.

12. Protect your reputation through your conduct

When you believe your reputation has been damaged, there can be an overwhelming desire to tell everybody who you really are.

But your behaviour over time says considerably more than a social-media argument ever will.

Be reliable.
Be truthful.
Control your temper.
Keep your promises.
Treat people properly.
Continue working.
Continue being there for the people who depend upon you.

Your reputation isn't protected solely by what you say about yourself. It is also protected by how you consistently behave.

13. Don't hand another person control over your emotions

This took me time to understand.

If somebody can ruin your entire day simply by sending you one provocative message, they still exercise an enormous amount of control over your life.

You may not be able to control what they send. You can gradually learn to control what happens next.

Put the phone down.
Go for a walk.
Speak to somebody you trust.
Sleep on it.
Deal with it when you're thinking clearly.

You don't have to respond according to somebody else's timetable.

14. Don't let the case become your entire identity

This may be the most important principle of all.

You are still allowed to live.

See your friends. Go to work. Exercise. Watch football. Go out for a meal. Laugh.

Have conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with your ex-partner, allegations, solicitors or court.

When you're involved in proceedings, it can begin to feel as though the case is your entire existence.

It isn't.

You are a person going through a difficult period. The difficult period is not the entirety of who you are.

15. Don't deprive yourself of a good day

There will be difficult days.

There may be court hearings, solicitor's letters, allegations, financial worries and moments when the whole situation feels completely unfair.

But when a good day arrives, allow yourself to have it.

Don't spend every peaceful afternoon reopening old messages.
Don't spend every meal talking about proceedings.
Don't feel guilty because you laughed or enjoyed yourself while something serious remains unresolved.

There is nothing wrong with continuing to live while you defend yourself.

The principles I try to remember

Listen before answering.
Never communicate while furious.
Assume important messages may someday be read by others.
Keep important matters documented.
Tell the truth consistently and don't embellish it.
Defend yourself where necessary, but don't fight every battle available to you.
Don't confuse justice with revenge.
Put out unnecessary fires instead of feeding them.
Be cautious without becoming paranoid.
Choose your trusted advisers carefully.
Notice who remains beside you during adversity.
Protect your reputation through your conduct.
Don't give another person control over your emotions.
Don't let the case become your entire identity.
Don't deprive yourself of a good day.

And above all:

Don't surrender years of your life to something that has already taken enough from you.

I don't claim that following these principles makes divorce, family proceedings or allegations easy. They don't.

But they can help you retain something incredibly important while everything around you feels uncertain: control over the person you choose to be.

Michael Thompson

Founder, Falsely Accused Network

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