“Don’t Be That Guy”: A Hard Truth We Have to Say Out Loud

Written by Michael Thompson, Founder of the Falsely Accused Network

One of the hardest parts of running the helpline is not the anger.

It’s not even the injustice.

It’s the silence that comes after a man has lost everything.

We hear it far too often. Men ringing us broken, sometimes literally in tears, saying the same thing over and over again:

“I went to family court on my own.

I lost the fact-finding.

I’ve lost contact with my kids.

What can I do now?”

And the honest answer, the answer that no one wants to hear, is this:

In most cases, there is very little that can be done at that stage.

That’s the brutal reality.

What makes this even harder is that when we look back at many of these cases, they were not hopeless cases. Some were winnable. Some could have been defended properly. Some turned on avoidable mistakes, mistakes that only happen when someone is unrepresented and unsupported.

We see men who:

- disclosed evidence they thought helped them, but actually damaged their case

- handed over messages or recordings that were twisted and weaponised against them

- failed to challenge inconsistencies properly

- didn’t understand the burden of proof at a fact-finding

- didn’t know when to stay silent, when to concede, or when to fight

And almost always, there is a common thread.

They were advised not to use a solicitor.

They were told not to instruct a barrister.

They were discouraged from even using a professional McKenzie Friend.

Instead, they were told by certain men’s groups and so-called parental alienation groups:

“You don’t need lawyers.”

“Family court is easy.”

“Just represent yourself.”

“Paid professionals are a scam.”

So they went in alone.

And they lost.

Now, to be fair, and this matters, you will occasionally hear from a man online who represented himself and won. He will often be very vocal about it. He will tell everyone that because he did it alone, anyone else can too.

But this is where the logic completely falls apart.

It’s like a Premiership footballer, a top striker who scores twenty goals a season, turning around and saying, “I can do it, so every other man in the country can too.” Of course that doesn’t add up. That player has exceptional skill, experience, temperament, and training. He is the exception, not the standard.

Family court is no different.

Just because one man managed to represent himself and win does not mean another man, with different allegations, a different judge, different evidence, different mental health pressures, and a different level of resilience, can do the same.

Those men who win on their own are few and far between, particularly in cases involving false allegations of domestic abuse. I can’t give you statistics for this, and I won’t pretend otherwise, but from what we see week in, week out on the helpline, those cases are the exception, not the rule.

And the danger is this.

Some of those men assume that because they succeeded, everyone else must be capable of doing the same.

They forget the variables.

They forget the differences in judges, allegations, evidence, mental health, resilience, and sheer luck.

They forget that other men may be far more vulnerable, traumatised, or simply not equipped to navigate a hostile legal process on their own.

Worse still, some people giving this advice have an axe to grind against solicitors, against the legal system, against professionals in general. Their motivation is ideological, not protective. And it is other men, and other people’s children, who pay the price for that ideology.

Be very wary of advice that starts with:

“I did it on my own, so you can too.”

That advice doesn’t carry the consequences when it goes wrong.

I want to pause here and say something very personal, because I’ve been there.

When I went through the family court system myself, I wasn’t confident or prepared. I was dealing with the fallout of paternity fraud, and then, as so often happens, false allegations followed. My world had already collapsed, and then I was expected to walk into a courtroom and somehow defend myself.

Like many men, my first instinct was to try to get a solicitor or a barrister. That’s what you’re supposed to do. But the reality was simple: I couldn’t afford them. I genuinely couldn’t. There was no hidden pot of money. No family bailout. No miracle.

But what I did know was that going into family court completely alone was a gamble I could not afford to take.

So I made a different decision.

I instructed a paid professional McKenzie Friend.

And I want to say this as clearly as I possibly can:

I would have been totally lost without her.

She didn’t just help with paperwork. She didn’t just “sit next to me”. She helped me understand what mattered and what didn’t. She helped me avoid damaging disclosures. She helped me stay focused, calm, and strategic in a system that is utterly unforgiving if you don’t know what you’re doing.

She did a fantastic job.

Yes, I paid her.

And no, I don’t regret it for a second.

It was valuable. It was necessary. And it made a real difference.

That experience is one of the reasons I believe so passionately in affordable legal assistance. Not everyone can afford a solicitor. Not everyone can instruct a barrister. I understand that. I lived it. But that does not mean the answer is to walk into family court alone armed with Facebook advice and group-chat slogans.

And this is where we need to be very honest about something uncomfortable.

There are mens groups and parental alienation groups out there who would rather see a man lose contact with his children than see him pay a legal professional.

That may sound harsh, but we see the consequences every single week.

These groups offer ideology, slogans, and false confidence. They tell vulnerable men, many already in mental health crisis, that they’ll be “fine on their own”. But when the judgment lands, when findings are made, when contact is stopped, those groups are nowhere to be found.

Meanwhile, the other side is often legally aided.

They have a solicitor.

They have a barrister.

They understand the system.

And the man is told:

“You’ll be alright.”

He won’t be.

At the Falsely Accused Network, we value legal professionals. Solicitors, barristers, and professional McKenzie Friends who actually know what they’re doing. Not because we love the system, we don’t, but because we understand it.

We’ve gone even further. On our McKenzie Friend packages, we now automatically include sessions with a barrister to assist with fact-finding hearings. That means even if someone cannot afford a direct access barrister for the hearing itself, they are still getting professional legal insight, strategy, and risk awareness at the most critical stage of the case.

Because a fact-finding hearing is not the place for guesswork, ideology, or internet advice.

It is often the moment where everything is decided.

So if you are falsely accused of domestic abuse, please think very carefully about who you are listening to.

Ask yourself:

- Will this advice protect my relationship with my children?

- Will this advice stand up in front of a judge?

- Will this advice help me when I’m being cross-examined?

- Or does it just make someone else feel morally superior for “not paying lawyers”?

Because once findings are made, you don’t get to rewind the tape.

And for the men reading this who are on the edge, who are being told to “just go it alone”, who are exhausted, frightened, and desperate:

Don’t be that guy.

The one who phones us afterwards and says,

“I wish someone had told me.”

We are telling you now.

Contact the Falsely Accused Network (England and Wales only)

If you are falsely accused of domestic abuse and need support, signposting, or help accessing appropriate legal assistance:

Email: support@falselyaccusednetwork.co.uk

Website: www.falselyaccusednetwork.co.uk

Telephone: 0204 538 8788

Linktree: https://linktr.ee/FalselyAccusedNet

McKenzie Friend support is paid and not legal advice. We can signpost to solicitors, barristers including direct access barristers, and professional McKenzie Friends depending on your circumstances.